Lectures on Love - Lecture #1

[I originally wrote this and posted it on Facebook two months ago. This is what happens when I try to be funny.]

Seeing as I am an unrivaled authority on all things in the relationship realm, having been unable to repel the hordes of women who have pursued me throughout my days and thus having a generous bounty of dating experience myself, and after consulting with a close colleague, I was convinced to begin a series of written, authoritative lectures concerning the ever-important topic of love.

Readers should be warned, however, that though my advice is irrefutable and binding on the hearts of men, this may be difficult for those to whom it applies most. This is understandable, however, as the guilty taketh the truth to be hard. They that have ears, let them hear.

I will begin by drawing on the not-real-life, entirely made-up and hypothetical scenario of Isis and Horus. Isis and Horus are both freshman students and have been friends their entire freshman year.

Everyone is aware of the existence of the wretched "friend zone". It is like the offspring of a dementor and a black hole, tearing at the very fabric of happiness itself. The friend zone is a natural, defensive feature. Isis, being a female and thus having a large, encompassing friend zone, has unavoidably sucked poor, unsuspecting Horus into it. Horus, once aware of his position, loses all interest in pursuing Isis, though he potentially would have been interested; likewise Isis is blinded by her own unconscious categorization. A couple that could have been happy for eternity will instead both find second-bests.

Or will they? Let's say Isis has enough self-awareness to realize this and separate herself from her impulsive classifications. Isis realizes her affection for Horus, but what is she supposed to do? Horus is unaware of Isis' new-found realizations and so offers no hint of interest; Isis sees no hint of interest and is left not knowing what to do.

Hey Isis, as I already told you, here's what to do: go up and tell him. Hail Mary it and you're life will be awesome. As far as I'm concerned, if he doesn't feel the same and lets the inevitable awkwardness get in the way of your friendship, he must not have been that great of a friend anyway. Oh, and don't forget to kiss him. In fact, forget the talking part and just go up and start him like a Chevy. And no, that's not a sexual innuendo. I don't think. Actually, I'm not really sure what it means. I just heard it in this play I went and saw because this really awesome girl was in it.

But I digress. Morals of the story: friend zone=death and destruction, and Isis should just go up and make out with Horus.

Stay tuned for the next lecture in this ongoing series.